Thank you. I realise that my negativity gets the best of me, after the fact.It's hard to control.
Speaking of control, I have control issues. As in, I hate when I'm not in control of just about every aspect of my life(my pups included). It might sound dumb, it did to me when it was suggested, but I carry around a "Ctrl" key from a keyboard in my pocket so even when I don't have control, I can sort of have some sense of ctrl. I hate it though when I feel like I could have done better.
I'm very much the type of person that makes statements like, "If you want something done right you have to do it yourself." I can't do everything myself though. I don't have the skill set, the time, the energy, the money. I can't be every place all at once. I hate that fact. I hate leaving anything that may affect me up to anyone else because I have no faith that it will get done or get done right. Most of the time it doesn't, IMO. I have no faith in anyone, trust in anyone. Then I'm left dissatisfied, perturbed, even resentful.
I'm hard on myself because I expect and hope that others would expect more of themselves and most don't. I can't be perfect, never will be, but fuck me if I don't try my best. I have pride and it hurts. I don't understand how so many other people don't and live pain free. I have a conscience and I can't ignore it. I wish I could be some fucktard without a care in the world that puts no thought into life's decisions and lives happier because of it. That's not me. I'm over critical, analytical, everything means something and every option should be weighed and considered. I want to do my best, be the best, expect the best, and more often than not it's not enough and I never even come close. Despite all my best efforts everything always seems to fall short. I don't know how to break the cycle.
I feel like If I'm not in control than everything will be shit because no one cares about whatever it is as much as I do. Pair that with no faith and distrust in my fellow man, and time and again being proven that's exactly the case. I can't be everything, do everything, accomplish everything that I want alone but if no one else fucking cares then that means I'm stuck with whatever I have, wherever I'm at, and I'm never going to move forward because I can't do it all myself. I have to much drive to just give up and not enough resources to move forward. Sitting here spinning my wheels with the engine redlined and seriously ready to just throw a rod right through the oil pan.