Today we said goodbye to Cerberus. My heart is broken

Discussion in 'Memorials' started by Nik, Jun 13, 2016.

  1. FosterMom

    FosterMom Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend.
  2. dpenning

    dpenning Well-Known Member

    I hate seeing posts in the memorial section, they always make me squishy and think of my lost loves. Unfortunately there have been too many when you love big dogs. Cerberus had a good long life and you can tell how much he was loved. It doesn't make it any easier, especially when it is "the dog of your heart".
  3. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    Thank you again for all of the outpouring of support. It really means a lot and gives some comfort to be able to share what an amazing dog he was. I keep expecting it to get easier and be less painful and I think that is a false expectation. Every morning when I get up it hits me. He isn't lying on the couch or on his bed. His clicking nails aren't making sounds to wake us when he has to go potty early in the morning. And nobody is forcing their dirty head into my lap as I watch tv. I miss his intrusiveness of my personal space. He always wanted to cuddle so badly. He would force himself onto as much of my lap as he could no matter how hot it was outside. I used to get frustrated with it sometimes but I'm so glad that my last few day with him I allowed it with no complaint. I petted him when he crawled into my lap and allowed the cuddles. Diesel doesn't cuddle like that. He is a happy playful dog that likes his own space. He gives me a quick cuddle or a kiss and then goes about his thing. I never realized how much I would miss all the cuddling Cerberus forced on me. I think it was good for my soul.

    Today I have to go into the office for a meeting and I am just hoping I can hold the tears at bay long enough to get through that and get home again.

    Diesel has been my other great source of comfort. He had just had his neuter surgery days before we lost Cerberus and despite the giant satellite dish on his head he makes sure to give me lots of slobber kisses through the day. He knows I am hurting and his happy sweet personality just has to try to help. And it is a two way street with him. Every now and then I can tell he is confused and missing Cerberus. He doesn't have any clue what is going on but he looks for him and smells for him and when we go outside he lays down and stares at the door waiting for Cerberus to follow him out like normal. Nothing is normal right now and it's something everyone here feels both the furry and the non-furry. I cuddle Diesel when I know he needs it and he slobbers on me because he knows I need it.
  4. Hector

    Hector Well-Known Member

    That is a great photo with a great quote.
  5. Max's mom

    Max's mom Well-Known Member

    What a beautiful life he had, to be loved so deeply by you! He sounds like an incredible guy! I love your memorial photo.
  6. JamieHalverson

    JamieHalverson Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry... what a lovely time you had with him and he with you...
  7. Yamizuma

    Yamizuma Well-Known Member

    OMG! I am so, so so deeply saddened to hear this. They leave paw prints on our hearts, and make us better monkeys for knowing them...and leave giant holes when they depart. So very sorry.

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  8. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    I am currently looking into memorial jewelry so I can keep his ashes near me always. I found a glass blower out of Washington who makes beautiful pendants infused with the ashes. I just keep thinking of how he always wanted to be with us and it seems like a good way to honor his memory.
  9. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    Diesel is a bright spot in all this sorrow. He comes to me throughout each day to sniff my face, lean his cheak against mine for a time and then gives me a slobber kiss before going about his business.


    It isnt easy with the cone on his head but he does it anyways.

    It is a beautiful reminder of how lucky I have been to have had two such incredibly loving dogs in my life

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  10. powergc

    powergc Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss, Nik. He sounds like he was a very special doggy. Rest in peace, Cerberus.
  11. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    Today it has been a week and while it still hurts like I can't believe the emotions have settled a bit. I can go several hours at a time without crying and that is useful for regular life stuff. Diesel still seems to have moments of sadness where he just plops down and stares at the door as if waiting for Cerberus to come trotting through and there is certainly more affection and cuddles from him than normal. Even our cat BrrBeary seems to understand that more love is needed and he has been rubbing up against Diesel and sniffing noses with him in a way he didn't do before. We are all mourning and healing together.
  12. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    Has anyone ever had completely irrational moments in the grieving process? My husband just suggested that we give Diesel Cerberus' old collar since Diesel's is getting rather beat up and is in need of switching out. My immediate reaction was to tell him absolutely not because that is Cerberus' collar. I realize this is irrational. Cerberus clearly can't use it anymore. But, it just feels like a betrayal to give his collar to Diesel. Maybe when the sorrow is less fresh I will feel less protective of his possessions.
  13. Boxergirl

    Boxergirl Well-Known Member

    Well I don't think it's irrational. All of my dogs have been cremated and they will all be mixed with my ashes someday and used to plant a strong tree. I keep their collars and a favorite toy put away and I don't share with other dogs. Everyone grieves in their own way and it's not right or wrong, it just is. I clearly remember standing on the deck about three weeks after Ed passed and my husband coming up to me, taking me in his arms and saying, "You *will* be happy again." I did feel happy again, but it took much longer than I expected. I think I should have talked to someone because I just felt despair. I had this Patricia McConnell quote as my signature for years in honor of Ed, "He took my heart and ran with it, and he's running still, fast and strong, a piece of my heart bound up with his, forever." Some dogs just hold an extra special place. You shared many years with Cerberus. I think what you're feeling is completely normal. Hugs.
  14. tlov

    tlov Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's irrational. We got Ivy about 6 weeks after Shelby died. When it was time to train her on the invisible fence I took Shelby's collar in and had the transmitter put on a new collar even though the collar was the right size. They still had the same print collar for sale and it's my favorite for a female dog, but I just couldn't get her the same one Shelby had even if it was a new one.

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  15. cj-sharpy

    cj-sharpy Well-Known Member

    Oh what awful news Nik.
    With most of these posts "he will be chasing rabbits in heaven" seems apt.
    By your description of your lad maybe he will be snuggling with rabbits instead.

    Keep strong.

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  16. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    Cj-sharpy - I like that adapted version for him. I have no doubt that he is cuddling all the kittens and bunnies and puppies in heaven

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  17. Nik

    Nik Well-Known Member

    There is still this flood of pain that hits me at random times when I think of my Cerberus. But when I watch Diesel with Kahlua there is a bittersweet awe at the ways he emulates how Cerberus treated him.

    When Kahlua first went to chase the outdoor cat Diesel placed himself between them in exactly the same way Cerberus had done with him.

    The way he plays with her and the mannerisms ... They are so exactly how Cerberus was with him.

    I was looking through photos and I have one of him as a puppy w Cerberus and now one with him Kahlua... The pose is sooo similar it just takes my breath.

    I had to make a collage of it because it touched me so much.


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  18. Boxergirl

    Boxergirl Well-Known Member

    That's really beautiful.

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