Nik
Well-Known Member
Some of you may recall that I have been working towards training Diesel towards being my service dog since bringing him home. Once we got Kahlua I started doing the same with her as I wasn't sure which would be better suited. The service they are training towards (also supported by my doctor who believes it a necessary thing based on a few too close of calls) is an asthma alert dog. I get extremely severe asthma attacks that sometimes hit me with no warning to the point where I am unable to get to help or my inhaler if it isn't already close on hand.
Kahlua started actually accurately alerting me to my asthma attacks before they happen. It turns out she has a natural talent for this. Once I realized this was something she was already sensitive about it seemed natural that she is the one who should be registered as my service dog once training is complete. She is able to know when an asthma attack is oncoming and she already alerts me. The rest is getting through Canine Good Citizen and proofing her for perfect bomb proof behavior.
But, here is where things get a little more complicated and weird. I hesitate to share the rest of this story because I am not sure if it is oversharing and it is vulnerable for me. But, I also feel like maybe there is someone out there that will identify with this or who will find it useful. You never know right? We all think we are the only "only one" but we never really are.
Asthma is a very real physical threat to me. It is a medical condition and something I don't really have a problem discussing with my doctor on how to combat. I hate the feeling of not breathing and the helplessness involved. It can be scary.
But, there are other things on the emotional/mental side that I struggle with that I have a hard time recognizing as a viable threat to my wellbeing or safety. And these are things I haven't actually discussed with anyone. Not a doctor, not my husband, not my closest friends. I have high levels of anxiety, panic attacks and at my worst suicidal thoughts. I have never tried to kill myself. I have had two close family members take their life and it was heart breaking. I like to think I would never give into these darker thoughts. I would like to think I wouldn't do that to those who care about me. I know the heart break being on the other end of suicide. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that... but there were times when I was younger when I would purposefully put myself in dangerous situations (like walking alone at night through very unsafe neighborhoods). I haven't done anything of that sort in years and I would like to think that with age comes the maturity to ignore those thoughts. Sometimes I go such long stretches without those sorts of thoughts that I start to believe those issues are purely situational and nothing wrong with how my emotional state, brain processes or anything else. But, it doesn't seem to take a whole lot to send me into that dark spiral of thoughts so maybe there is something more to it then just the occasional bad situation to work through.
The problem with psychological issues is there is the inclination to think you can battle them and overcome them with nothing more than a little willpower. It is all in your head. I know the faultiness of this thinking and when it comes to others I will 100% of the time always tell them so. When it is yourself it is different. It's me. Of course I can will it away if I am just strong enough, smart enough, determined enough, etc. And that is pretty much how I have lived my entire life. Battling it in secret. So what if you spend nights or days sobbing alone for hours until you break blood vessels in your eyes or throw yourself into an asthma attack. You deal with it and don't bother anyone else with it and eventually you come out the other end. No big deal. Nobody else is bothered with it and you force your way through. And the thoughts you ignore those too. You fight to ignore them and promise yourself you will never give in to them so it doesn't matter at all.
I never questioned that I was dealing with this the right way until Diesel. You see while Kahlua has saved my life a few times now by warning me of an impending asthma attack and pushing me towards my inhaler so I would grab it before the attack struck I am starting to think that Diesel has saved me from myself a few times now. So here I am having always battled through this alone and made sure to hide it from anyone in my life. But, it is impossible to hide it from the dogs. And just like Kahlua knows when I am about to stop breathing Diesel seems to know the difference between regular crying at a sad movie or in a normal way versus the bad kind that is associated with darker thoughts. He won't leave my side. He leans into me or sometimes tries to climb into my lap. Mostly it seems like he is not just trying to comfort me but also trying to knock me out of my own head and make me aware of the outside world. Which is sometimes what is really needed.
This is all at the forefront of my mind because I had one of the worst incidents that I can remember in recent years.
This was last week when my husband's mom told him without warning that we would have to move out of the house within 6 months. He has been in this house for over 15 years, paying her mortgage and property taxes, making repairs and updates on the house as needed etc. I moved in 7-8 years ago and I immediately started making upgrades on the house as well (new floors, getting rid of the ivy that had half taken over the back yard, new paint inside, etc.). On the exact same day we learned this my ex-boss coincidentally offered me a job. A job that would immediately be a huge title jump for me and has the potential for a life altering payout if his start up performs how he expects it to within the next year. But, the job would require insane hours, a commute up to SF, parking in SF and I couldn't move out of this area for at least a year (maybe a year and a half) and it is a gamble (high pay out potential but high risk). And once we are out of our current home we can't afford anything else in this area. We were paying mortgage on a house that was bought so long ago that it isn't even close to being on par with everything else in this area. And she isn't willing to work with us on the timing.
So the stress of it all got to me. I couldn't help thinking well if something happened to me the insurance pay out would be big enough that my husband could easily put a down payment on something great and the entire issue would be solved. And yes I know this is faulty logic and that my husband and my dogs would prefer to have me around. I am also aware that my long term earning potential far exceeds any life insurance payout. And these are the arguments I have with myself when I am in that state of mind. And then Diesel was there at the worst of it pressing into me to remind me I'm not alone, climbing into my lap and refusing to let me get trapped in my thoughts.
My understanding of what he does for me is that this is more in the way of an emotional support dog. But, here is what all the needlessly long description above wraps up to... Each of my dogs seems to have a remarkable talent for assisting me but in different ways.
Diesel is extremely in tune to my state of mind and he is very sensitive to the changes and always looking to help. As quick as he is to eliminate safety threats (like that scary bug) he is just as quick to eliminate emotional or psychological threats.
And Kahlua seems psychic in her ability to know when I am about to have a horrific asthma attack. As relentless as Diesel is in pulling me out of an emotional tailspin Kahlua is equally relentless in making sure I get to safety or the tools I need before my attacks hit.
And I guess that is the only point to this thread. There is more than one way to save a life.
Kahlua started actually accurately alerting me to my asthma attacks before they happen. It turns out she has a natural talent for this. Once I realized this was something she was already sensitive about it seemed natural that she is the one who should be registered as my service dog once training is complete. She is able to know when an asthma attack is oncoming and she already alerts me. The rest is getting through Canine Good Citizen and proofing her for perfect bomb proof behavior.
But, here is where things get a little more complicated and weird. I hesitate to share the rest of this story because I am not sure if it is oversharing and it is vulnerable for me. But, I also feel like maybe there is someone out there that will identify with this or who will find it useful. You never know right? We all think we are the only "only one" but we never really are.
Asthma is a very real physical threat to me. It is a medical condition and something I don't really have a problem discussing with my doctor on how to combat. I hate the feeling of not breathing and the helplessness involved. It can be scary.
But, there are other things on the emotional/mental side that I struggle with that I have a hard time recognizing as a viable threat to my wellbeing or safety. And these are things I haven't actually discussed with anyone. Not a doctor, not my husband, not my closest friends. I have high levels of anxiety, panic attacks and at my worst suicidal thoughts. I have never tried to kill myself. I have had two close family members take their life and it was heart breaking. I like to think I would never give into these darker thoughts. I would like to think I wouldn't do that to those who care about me. I know the heart break being on the other end of suicide. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that... but there were times when I was younger when I would purposefully put myself in dangerous situations (like walking alone at night through very unsafe neighborhoods). I haven't done anything of that sort in years and I would like to think that with age comes the maturity to ignore those thoughts. Sometimes I go such long stretches without those sorts of thoughts that I start to believe those issues are purely situational and nothing wrong with how my emotional state, brain processes or anything else. But, it doesn't seem to take a whole lot to send me into that dark spiral of thoughts so maybe there is something more to it then just the occasional bad situation to work through.
The problem with psychological issues is there is the inclination to think you can battle them and overcome them with nothing more than a little willpower. It is all in your head. I know the faultiness of this thinking and when it comes to others I will 100% of the time always tell them so. When it is yourself it is different. It's me. Of course I can will it away if I am just strong enough, smart enough, determined enough, etc. And that is pretty much how I have lived my entire life. Battling it in secret. So what if you spend nights or days sobbing alone for hours until you break blood vessels in your eyes or throw yourself into an asthma attack. You deal with it and don't bother anyone else with it and eventually you come out the other end. No big deal. Nobody else is bothered with it and you force your way through. And the thoughts you ignore those too. You fight to ignore them and promise yourself you will never give in to them so it doesn't matter at all.
I never questioned that I was dealing with this the right way until Diesel. You see while Kahlua has saved my life a few times now by warning me of an impending asthma attack and pushing me towards my inhaler so I would grab it before the attack struck I am starting to think that Diesel has saved me from myself a few times now. So here I am having always battled through this alone and made sure to hide it from anyone in my life. But, it is impossible to hide it from the dogs. And just like Kahlua knows when I am about to stop breathing Diesel seems to know the difference between regular crying at a sad movie or in a normal way versus the bad kind that is associated with darker thoughts. He won't leave my side. He leans into me or sometimes tries to climb into my lap. Mostly it seems like he is not just trying to comfort me but also trying to knock me out of my own head and make me aware of the outside world. Which is sometimes what is really needed.
This is all at the forefront of my mind because I had one of the worst incidents that I can remember in recent years.
This was last week when my husband's mom told him without warning that we would have to move out of the house within 6 months. He has been in this house for over 15 years, paying her mortgage and property taxes, making repairs and updates on the house as needed etc. I moved in 7-8 years ago and I immediately started making upgrades on the house as well (new floors, getting rid of the ivy that had half taken over the back yard, new paint inside, etc.). On the exact same day we learned this my ex-boss coincidentally offered me a job. A job that would immediately be a huge title jump for me and has the potential for a life altering payout if his start up performs how he expects it to within the next year. But, the job would require insane hours, a commute up to SF, parking in SF and I couldn't move out of this area for at least a year (maybe a year and a half) and it is a gamble (high pay out potential but high risk). And once we are out of our current home we can't afford anything else in this area. We were paying mortgage on a house that was bought so long ago that it isn't even close to being on par with everything else in this area. And she isn't willing to work with us on the timing.
So the stress of it all got to me. I couldn't help thinking well if something happened to me the insurance pay out would be big enough that my husband could easily put a down payment on something great and the entire issue would be solved. And yes I know this is faulty logic and that my husband and my dogs would prefer to have me around. I am also aware that my long term earning potential far exceeds any life insurance payout. And these are the arguments I have with myself when I am in that state of mind. And then Diesel was there at the worst of it pressing into me to remind me I'm not alone, climbing into my lap and refusing to let me get trapped in my thoughts.
My understanding of what he does for me is that this is more in the way of an emotional support dog. But, here is what all the needlessly long description above wraps up to... Each of my dogs seems to have a remarkable talent for assisting me but in different ways.
Diesel is extremely in tune to my state of mind and he is very sensitive to the changes and always looking to help. As quick as he is to eliminate safety threats (like that scary bug) he is just as quick to eliminate emotional or psychological threats.
And Kahlua seems psychic in her ability to know when I am about to have a horrific asthma attack. As relentless as Diesel is in pulling me out of an emotional tailspin Kahlua is equally relentless in making sure I get to safety or the tools I need before my attacks hit.
And I guess that is the only point to this thread. There is more than one way to save a life.