Not dog related - opinions on uninviting from wedding?

[Nik]

As some of you may remember my family has been causing me some grief about my wedding. The latest is that my step-dad who had originally said he wasn't going to attend (which I was okay with) is now going. I suspect my mom is forcing him. When I was on the phone with my mom I heard him shouting in the background about my wedding. Angry, complaining about having to dress up, having to travel, cussing etc. I couldn't make out everything and my mom quickly hung up with me but I was pretty upset about the whole thing and still am.

Sean (my fianc*) wants to uninvite my stepdad because he doesn't seem to want to go and because it's creating a lot of negativity and stress and is making me really sad during what should be a happy time. I agree with all of these thoughts but I also feel like actually uninviting anyone would be extremely hurtful and I don't want to hurt anyone.

I should also mention my stepdad is a long time alcoholic and his behavior can be pretty erratic and unpredictable which I'm sure is contributing to all of this. He also has a long time terror of flying. He never flies anywhere so I suspect that is also behind his negativity. I had told him originally when he said he wasn't going that it was okay and that while we would like him there we understood if he couldn't be and it wasn't any issue.


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[tlov]

Can you talk to your mom sometime when he isn't around and explain that if he doesn't want to be there you are fine with it and prefer he wouldn't go. If she tells him it's fine if he doesn't go then you won't have to actually uninvite him.


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[Nik]

Sean wants to talk to my mom first and tell her. The thing is knowing her she will deny that he doesn't want to go and probably will ignore the issue but I suppose we won't know for sure until we try.


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[QY10]

Personally, I would remove him from the guest list in a heartbeat. It's YOUR day, not anyone else's. If it would be less stressful without him present, then do it.

 

[Oscar'sMom]

I agree with QY10. It's your day! If feelings are hurt because of it...they will get over it eventually. You should be filed with joy at this time! Worry about you for once

 

[BAMCB]

I'd say uninvite him and anyone else that is causing grief. If they cannot share in your happiness then their attendance is not needed. JMO
I come from an unhealthy family and have struggled with this stuff too. I am happy I am finally able to stand up for myself and my kids. Funny how their attitudes changed when mine did.

 

[DennasMom]

Honesty is often the best policy.
Sounds like he'd rather be uninvited, too... so win-win!

I'm going to guess it's your mom that is wanting him to be there (being in the pictures comes to mine)... so she might be the one you need to have the honest talk with.

 

[Yamizuma]

If We had it to do over again, We would not have had a big stressful wedding at all - we'd do the legal bit as privately as possible and just have a fun party with those who really want to be there after.

I agree with DeannasMom. Probably is your Mom you need to let know that you really only want people who really want to be there at the event. What might make his absence appeal to her?

I've had a fair bit of practice having tough conversations with people I care about and those they love that I really don't, so much.

Awkward conversation to have...uninviting him. Maybe you just need to make it easy for him to uninvite himself.

It's a great skill to figure out how to remain cool, logical and in control to say what needs saying and achieve whatever needs to happen without letting the other person's shit hit you emotionally in that moment, and to try to find ways to do so that are both true to you but don't ignite conflict unless needed.

If you talked to him and it starts something like..."We get the sense that you're not really looking forward to being at our wedding, and we know you have your reasons - so I just want to let you know that we totally understand and we're completely cool with you not being there..."

...and even if you think it sux, and he sux, are you actually cool with him not being there?


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[teodora]

It depends: I probably wouldn't have invited him at all, but I don't really care about being miss popularity. Since he's an alcoholic, make sure he's somehow under control during the wedding: supervised, locked in the basement, handcuffed, muzzled or whatever it takes to minimize the damages. Just saying.

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[cj-sharpy]

If he doesn't want to be there, and you don't want him there then he doesn't come, simple as that. Offer him a route out "i know you don't like flying so....." and as soon a he takes the bait say you are thankful for his honesty and that you have a friend who would love his space. hey presto he cant change his mind because Jean from accounts has his seat. oh and don't forget on the day to say how sad you are that he couldn't make it.

 

[Nik]

So the funny thing is that we haven't officially invited anybody yet (aside from our actual wedding party). And when I first told my mom the date and location right away he said that if we did it local he would come but he couldn't if we did destination. And I told him that was understandable and while we would miss him that was okay because we were keeping it very small and we knew destination meant some people couldn't make it. I thought that was fine and would be the end of it and resolved a lot of my worries about his alcoholism etc. But, then one of my sisters kept bugging him about it despite the fact I told her it was okay. And I think between her and my mom they sort of forced him into it. That is my assumption because I wasn't there to see all the behind operations. I just know my mom told me she had got plane tix for both of them and he had requested the time off. And then he is yelling about the wedding etc. and that leads us to now with the stress and unhappiness.Talking to him directly will definitely be a tricky business and maybe not effective. He won't admit to the fear of flying even though we all know about it since he avoids flying. I actually can't remember a time he has ever flown anywhere. He will do crazy long drives to avoid getting on a plane. But, if anyone mentions he doesn't like flying (or god forbid fears it) he will get offended, angry, etc. He is just sort of difficult to deal with and I think a lot of it is the alcoholism. He's almost always drunk and when he isn't there is a narrow window between not drunk and angry because he isn't drinking yet and just normal. Just normal is very rare with him. The last several Christmases he didn't even join us because he drank too much and went upstairs and passed out.So basically I wish my mom and sister had left it alone and let him stay home. He probably would have moped and been grumpy about not being there afterwards despite it being his own choice but it would have been easier to deal with that since it would have been his own decision. Now we either have to face his negativity at the wedding and leading up to it or try to tactfully uninvite him and deal with the negativity over that. Sean is planning to have a talk with my mom about the whole thing. The only good thing is that she did purchase flight insurance so I think she can get the money back for his plane ticket, but I know he is going to make a big deal about having taken time off work already etc. which I also get. Basically its just a bunch of poop. So my strategy for the past few days has been to completely avoid him and my mom until we figure it out a bit. Of course Christmas is in a couple days and I will have to face it then since we always go see them on Christmas.

 

[teodora]

why don't you tell your mom straight that you don't want him to come and you're worried that he'll get drunk and you'll be embarrassed? It's just as simple as this. He won't take any responsibility for drinking his head off: well, then your mom should take it. She's the one enabling him, after all. If she feels angry/frustrated, well she'd better do something about it. Now, really: this is an unique moment in your life, don't make his problems your problem.

 

[QY10]

why don't you tell your mom straight that you don't want him to come and you're worried that he'll get drunk and you'll be embarrassed? It's just as simple as this. He won't take any responsibility for drinking his head off: well, then your mom should take it. She's the one enabling him, after all. If she feels angry/frustrated, well she'd better do something about it. Now, really: this is an unique moment in your life, don't make his problems your problem.

Well said! And so much more polite than I would have put it. Ah, family dynamics are so interesting!